Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
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