Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
