The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
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