his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
the day after is always just damage control
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
