I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
