I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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