I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
