Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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