ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
