I'm going to rape someone's good day.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
