New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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