Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
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