so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
