I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
