All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
My penis needs a shock collar
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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