she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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