dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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