I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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