Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
