Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
