just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
