I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
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