I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
