i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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