dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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