I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize