finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
