I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
