you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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