The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize