so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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