Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize