Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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