I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
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