My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
