Do you still have your period?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Randomize
