im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
