Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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