just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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