This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
