so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
my sisters under your porch take her home
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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