Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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