Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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