Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
