Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
