I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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