In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
