Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
