i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
