i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
