mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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