I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
