Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Someone signed my nipple.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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