Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
