Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
