if i can run in heels then i can drive
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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