i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
