currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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