Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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