I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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