i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Acid is not a monday night drug
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
