i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
