I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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