tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
