I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
