I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
