Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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