Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
