I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize