My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
and she was petting her beer can
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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